Purposeful Time Together

Happy Friday Lovelies!

Oh and what a beautiful Friday it is! Well at least down here in Texas. Today I decided to send out a short note of encouragement. I received an email this morning from basically my all time favorite blogger Lisa Jacobson over at Club31Women (http://club31women.com/), the purpose was also a little note of encouragement (something I'd encourage all of you to sign up for!) and I will be honest it really hit home for me. If you remember, my last post was on the point of being still and little yourself let God take over. But her little "Note from Lisa" today reminded me that we also need to be putting some effort into encouraging loving time with our spouse and families. "...A small, simple routine...A powerful, memorable, connecting time." Basically, find a way find a time whether in the morning or afternoon or evening depending on your schedule to just connect with your family. Her special time was coffee in the morning. And that is probably one of the best ideas (if you don't like coffee insert your favorite drink here lol). In other words, strive to find a way to have a special time whether it is an hour, two hours, or even thirty minutes to just connect. I think the most important thing she said was this, "...only positive communication is allowed." Make sure when you are setting aside this much need and very important time you aren't using it as a way to iron out issues. It should be a time to just enjoy each others company and catch up with each others lives (especially if you have kids). This is actually something that has been weighing on me a lot lately since we made our big move. I have been wanting to find a way to set up a routine (not a forced one obviously) that just gets us together in the mornings or evenings but not around the TV. I can think of two ways I want to try to start implementing this. The first is in the morning. Now I am a lazy bum in the mornings. I literally sleep as long as possible before I have to get up and leave for work. I am just not a morning person. I would like to be though! So I think I will take a page out of her book and try to see if I can drag my lazy self out of bed early to enjoy morning coffee with my husband. Another idea I have been leaning towards is in the evenings. I am an avid reader so I thought maybe I could start implementing "reading time." We can pick a book and I'll read some and then maybe just sink into some quality connecting time and conversation. There are so many different things you could do! We had originally tried to start a tradition at my favorite coffee shop. Every Sunday we would go and it was phenomenal time spent talking about anything and everything under the sun. It's like we were dating again. Unfortunately that got kicked to the curb when money got a little to tight but I am hoping we can turn it back into a tradition again at some point. I digress. Point is there are a multitude of ways to find to spend time just encouraging and loving one another. I think the key ingredient is truly to agree that it will be a time of positivity. Turn on some soft music in the background and talk, take the dogs on a walk, go to the grocery store together! Even though we live with people that doesn't necessarily mean we are connecting with them. Spending intentional time together to talk and connect is honestly the difference between just being in the same house with someone and having a relationship with them! So I want to challenge you to try to find time this coming week to make intentional time to spend together. Purposeful, encouraging, loving time together. Whether it is over coffee in the morning, or sitting on the porch swing watching the sunset. Let the dishes be, leave the laundry for another hour trust me it will all be there when you get back. Big shout out to Lisa Jacobson for inspiring this entire post and helping me remember that purposeful time together is completely different than default time cause you live in the same house.

Have some good ideas of purposeful time together? Leave a comment below or email me at maryannapartlow@gmail.com. Don't forget to like the facebook page! and Hop on over to Club31Women and check out her blog! Until next time! 

Have a Blessed Weekend,

~Maryanna 

Sometimes Valentine's Day Sucks

Since Valentines Day fell on a Tuesday (my normal posting day) You get a two for one this week! If you were waiting for week 2 of Finding Normal don't worry you didn't miss it. It went LIVE Monday. Here is a link in case you didn't see it 

Now on with V-Day so...

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! 

But what if it isn't so happy? what if valentine's day is terrible. Maybe your marriage just isn't doing to well and valentine's day isn't all that special. The real question is what is the argument about. Is there a genuine issue or are we just being petty and not letting a aggravating issue go. Now of course I can't speak to everyone's circumstance, and it isn't always fair that sometimes we have to be the ones to swallow our pride and be the bigger person. However, marriage is not about who said what. Marriage is  about the actions, love and grace we are willing to extend to our spouse. Marriage is a symbol of Christ. The way God loves us. Christ loves the church. As a part of that, we have to be willing to extend grace, love and forgiveness to an "undeserving" spouse sometimes. Now I am not saying we should just never mention a problem we see and blindly forgive our spouse when we feel they are doing something wrong. Communication in marriage is vital and when we see a big problem we need to talk to our spouse about it. But what I am saying is that sometimes it is better to just forgive and move past the little disruptions. You have to be willing to not make a big deal out of every little issue, nitpicking all the problems,pointing out how he could love you better, or that it isn't fair that it always seems like you're the only one working towards a better marriage. You see marriage isn't a 50/50. It's 100/100 and the key to a successful marriage is to focus on giving your 100% and if you feel he is falling short...pray. We didn't get married so we could "fix" them. We got married because we love them. Let God work in their hearts. If you are feeling unloved or underappreciated, talk to him about that. But don't withhold your love towards him because of it. It can be something as simple as him playing video games when you feel like he should be spending time with you. Talk to him, let him know it bothers you and that you feel like you have to compete for his attention with a virtual world. But after that move on. Don't try to force him to agree with you or see that "your right." If he doesn't respond and you feel it is a big issue pray about it and move on. Basically, don't sit and stew and make yourself more upset. All that does is give the devil a foothold on your marriage. Instead of listing the ways that he is wrong...find a way to serve him. To show him that you love him despite it and that you aren't going to be that wife that, has to be right. Or have the, "until he does what I want him to do then I am going to be a brat" attitude. The idea is to demonstrate love and respect no matter what. Often by taking the high road and continuing to serve in a loving way, your spouse will find that missing connection between the two of you that he needs to work on and sometimes we find that missing connection that we need to work on. I know this can be hard sometimes. Especially if he really hurt your feelings. But this is where we learn to love like Christ. So if you are wanting to grow your marriage despite the opposition here are a few ideas that may help. 

Pray for him

This one is fairly obvious but pretty much the most important one. Pray for him. Pray for God to work in his heart and his life. Lift him up to the Lord. You will be amazed at God's work.

Pray for YOU

Yes YOU! ask God if there is anything YOU need to change. We often like to pass off fault on others. Thinking that someone else should change to suite our fancy. It can be difficult to look in the mirror and realize that WE are the ones that have the bad attitude. That WE are the ones that need to change. Self-evaluation is utterly important to any successful relationship but especially marriage. 

Love Him

Sometimes we just need to love him. Even if he is being a butt. So swallow that pride or the need to "be right." and find a way to show him you love him. Give him a kiss, grab a book and sit beside him while he does whatever it is he is doing. Just being there can make a huge difference. I have found that most people love in their love language. For instance peoples whose primary love language is physical touch or gifts will often give little "thinking about you" gifts and want to hold hands. Those who are more acts of service and quality time will generally always be looking to do something for you or others. They want to be around you just spending time together even if you do absolutely nothing. His love language is how he shows love because that is what says love to him. Just like your love language is how you love because it is what says love to you. So PAY ATTENTION! You need to learn to love him in his love language not necessarily yours.  

Serve Him

This couples with the other one but serve him. Ask him what you can do for him. Make his favorite meal. Put on his favorite show. Do something for him that lets him know you are there for him. 

Let Him Be

Sometimes they just need to be left alone. When I am upset I want someone to snuggle with me. Comfort me and hold me. My husband is the POLAR opposite. When my husband is upset or stressed he just wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to be cuddled, he doesn't want to be touched, he just wants to be left alone. Sometimes a man just needs to be alone with his thoughts. Respect that. Give him space. 

Now I know most Valentines posts are about happiness and sweet things. But the reality is not everyone has that loving environment on valentine's day. That is why I wanted to post something a little less conventional. Marriages have conflicts! and OFTEN on the "day of love." If you are fighting with your husband, or maybe it was just a small disagreement that turned into a full on battle then use this valentines day to fix it. Take advantage of the "day of love" and go show some to him. Even if you know you were right. Do you really want to spend Valentine's Day or any other day wasting precious time just because you don't want to be the first to apologize? 

Liked todays post? Share it! Like it! Tweet it! Don't forget to follow me on social media and like my facebook page and follow me on instagram and twitter. I love hearing from you so leave a comment below or email me at maryannapartlow@gmail.com 

Gratitude instead of Attitude

Oh how easy it is to take the little things and be aggravated. I have been begging my husband to hang some shelves I got for a couple of weeks. Well he finally did while I was at work one day. You would think my first reaction would be yaya my shelves are up. Instead it was more…I wish you’d waited for me because I wouldn’t have put it there. Funny how despite the fact that he did something I wanted him to do and asked him to do I still found something to be agitated at. Does this sound familiar? Maybe you asked him to take care of the dishes and he didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher the “the right way” or perhaps when he made dinner and he didn’t make it “the right way”. Maybe he gave the kids a bath and didn’t put them in the “right pajamas.” Yes all these things may sound dumb as you are reading them but somehow it is something we do. 

I have noticed a trend. The better my husband and I’s relationship is the more easy it is to get aggravated about something. Sounds backwards right, but perhaps you have noticed this too. Basically what is happening is that when you are on good terms with your husband and you are growing and loving and learning together. You are naturally drawing closer to God. This more or less ticks the devil off and he wants to do EVERYTHING possible to cause discord in your marriage. A argumentative marriage is not a godly marriage, and how can you focus on growing in Christ and building each other up if you are upset about every little thing. Satan never ceases to try to worm his way into every aspect of our lives but especially into marriage. Marriage is a sacred, God ordained union this makes it the primary target for the devil. The less unified you are with your spouse the easier it is for the devil to slip in.

 Ever since I noticed that little trend I have tried to purpose not to let it happen. The easiest way to do this is to ask yourself why. Why is this bothering you. He took the time to do something requested of him and criticism will only cause him to feel bad for not “doing it right.” A big part of marriage is about showing gratitude instead of attitude. When we decide to be grateful our lives take on a whole new perspective. Seeing solutions instead of obstacles and choosing joy instead of aggravation turns what could be a bad morning or a whole bad day into a peaceful calm and a chance to show God's love to your husband, kids, and everyone around you.

I am so excited to announce that I will be starting two new series in the next few months. February's series "Finding Normal" will focus on what we need to do to make our lives "normal" in the sense of focusing on God and running a Godly household. March's series "Creating Home" is going to focus on cultivating an atmosphere of joy and peace in your home. A sanctuary for you and your husband and kids. While "Finding Normal" will focus on you as an individual/wife and running a household, "Creating Home" will deal more with marriage and formulating a Godly atmosphere in your home with you husband. I am so excited to finally be starting a series and am so looking forward to you joining me on this journey. Make sure you subscribe and follow me to get updates sent straight to your inbox. Like my facebook page as well to see new things on your news feed. You can also follow me on twitter ( @thegoodwifesblog) and instagram (AnnaPartlow20). Comment below to let me know if you will be joining my series or email me at maryannapartlow@gmail.com Thank you all for your wonderful support! 

Don't Take Him for Granted

 My husband and I spent a wonderful weekend together doing nothing but just spending time. It was in that moment and moments like that, that we really hit the realization of how easy it is to take each other for granted. It's not that we don't love and value each other tremendously. However, when you live with someone day in and day out it can be easy to get so comfortable with their presence that we slowly but surely take them for granted. We get frustrated about stupid little things. Little arguments break out that are just silly or even if they hold merit you both ultimately feeling bad that there was an argument to begin with.

 

Spend time together

This can be as simple as just watching a movie together on the couch or as elaborate as taking a weekend getaway trip somewhere. No matter what you do never get to busy to just spend time with your husband. If you are on a budget you can keep it cheap but make an effort to deliberately spend time with him. My favorite thing to do with Rybear is going on a date. I like to surprise him while we are out and take him somewhere. It usually isn't anywhere expensive because we are on a budget but it is so worth it. For us it gives us time to just talk about whatever, and feeling like we are back to dating. We get some of our best conversations in over a $1.98 large drink from McDonalds or just driving up to Huntsville and enjoying each others company (we are both road trip lovers).

Let it go

I get it trust me I understand. You asked him to do one little task that didn't seem like it was that big a deal and he either did something other than that or didn't do anything at all. It is frustrating for us because we don't get why it is "so difficult" to do a "simple task." However, before you blow your gasket stop and think. Mine usually spends hours working on my car and making sure everything is absolutely perfect on it. I used to not appreciate it as much as I do now because I didn't understand the significance behind it. Although I may want him to work on something in the house for me or help me clean up, he doesn't always do that. Not because he "can't do a simple task" or because he "isn't listening to me." It's because he places greater significance on my safety then on having a clean house. I've learned how important it is to him and I have in turn grown to appreciate it so very much more than I did before when I thought he was just "trying to get out of helping me." So learn to let the little things go. Most the time the things we get upset about aren't even valid because there is a simple miscommunication or even just a difference of opinion on what is important. Unless it is a major issue that needs to be addressed try to let the little insignificant things go. I promise you, you and your marriage will be so much happier.

 

Never go to bed angry

This go back to letting things go. However, Sometimes there are significant issues that cause conflict. If that is the case and it is something you can't just let go make sure you are never going to bed angry. Ultimately when you wake up the next morning you are already going to feel like it wasn't such a big deal anyway. It is important to start each day fresh and end each day in love. You can't do that if you're angry when you go to sleep that night.

 

It's the little things

find the little things in life that make you and your husband happy. The things that you do for him and he does for you that just create an atmosphere of love. Then make a point out of doing them. I simple text from my husband letting me know he is thinking of me is enough to make my entire day.

 

Not taking someone for granted is about doing all the little things in life together and appreciating their presence more and more each day instead of "getting used to it." No matter how much you love someone it is so easy to take them for granted, feeling like they will always be there. However, and we all unfortunately have to come to the realization at some point, that that person may not always be there, whether due to death, deployment, or any extenuating circumstances we are never promised to have the person we hold dear with us forever. So lets work on not taking our loved ones for granted. Even if you are mad about something (even if it is valid) what is more important, you being right or letting your marriage take precedents and showing love and appreciation for the most precious gift of your spouse.   

 

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Trusting through the Storm

²⁸ Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” ²⁹ And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”  ³¹ Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and *said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:28-31)

What's so interesting about this is that even when Peter let the fear of the storm overwhelm him, when he cried out to Jesus, Jesus still saved him. Often times when something is happening we see Jesus and completely trust Him. Unfortunately far to often once we get out on the water we look around us and see the storm coming. We get scared of what might happen and we stop if only for a moment believing that God will protect us. With my husband and I facing a great storm it is getting more and more difficult to not look at the storm and wonder what is going to happen. We trust God and His will but we are worried and anxious about the outcome. For some people if you waver even for a moment they suddenly consider you a faithless heathen who doesn't trust God. We are human, we are sinful, we are not perfect and because of this sometimes we do waver. That doesn't mean we don't trust God it just means that like Peter we have to call out to Him again and ask Him to help us. The biggest struggle we often face is that sometimes the outcome of our circumstances are not what we had planned. God answering prayer doesn't always mean He answered the way WE want Him to. In my current situation I have to brace myself for the fact that the answer may not be one I like, but I have to understand that as long as I am walking in the will of God and trying my best to follow Him he will turn every situation to His glory. Being a Christian doesn't mean an easy life. Our lives are to bring glory to God and sometimes that involves suffering to show others that God can work through all things.  ^28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28). If you are struggling and facing difficult roads and the storm is closing in on you. Remember that we need to keep our focus on God, we need to not let the fear of the storm overwhelm our faith in Him so that we don't sink. We also have to understand that just because we don't get the answer we want we have to accept the will of God and trust Him to see us through. Often times He will answer our prayers in ways we never realize until much later. So keep praying, keep trusting. I am keep my focus on God and praying that our situation will work itself out, however, I also know that in the end God's glory will reign supreme and His light will shine brighter than ever no matter the outcome.  

My grace is sufficient for you

Trusting God isn't always the easiest thing in the world. There is one thing I have learned however, God has never let me down. I never used to have a great deal of trouble trusting God. As a teenager I mean seriously life isn't all that difficult. I still stressed and worried and I do suffer from sever anxiety (which totally doesn't help) but it was pretty simple to calm myself down and see God's handy work in my life. As I got older though and life got crazy complex with husband, in-laws, my own family drama, death of loved ones and so on, I noticed myself trying more and more to stay in control of it all instead of letting God handle it. It isn't that I stopped trusting God I just found myself trying to be more and more in control of everything. It is difficult to know where to draw the line. Once you are an adult and paying bills, and working, and so on it is hard to not try to be in control. We as adults HAVE to be in control or we will forget to pay the bills, or overdraft out bank accounts because we aren't staying on top of our finances. It isn't that we aren't trusting God, it is just that...well we still have to be responsible. It is because of this understanding of responsibility that we run into a "I need to be in control" mentality. My husband and I are currently in a very difficult, life altering situation and it is a situation that I have ZERO as absolutely zero can be control over any of it. Though I don't understand why this obstacle was placed before us and I have no idea what is going to happen, I have to completely trust God to do His will because I can't change anything. This event has impacted so many aspects of our lives from just how we live, to finances, to jobs, to our future, to literally everything. It can be stressful when you are trying to hold a family together on an unexpected single income, with vast medical bills, and what seems like no other options. You feel like you're drowning and that urge to be in control peeks its little head out from behind the curtains. I was brought up to take life by the antlers and make it move. Although that is something that I appreciate being taught how to do, it is not always my place to "make life move." This puts me in a push and pull situation where I want to give it to God but I want to keep some of the reigns just in case. After a while I always hit my breaking point. The, "I can't do this anymore, I am completely overwhelmed and I don't understand why my life is falling apart" It is usually in those moments that I remember that God has never failed me. Even in situations that don't make sense. Or to some people it might seem like God hasn't answered my prayers, He always has. I often forget that I am allowed...I am supposed to leave it all in God's hands. That I don't have to have it all figured out, and I don't have to be in control of everything. As long as I am taking care of what I should be doing I don't need to stress and worry about finances, where we are going to live, or what we are going to eat or how we are going to pay the ever growing medical bills. Trusting God means knowing that He isn't going to let you down. He may not send the answers you want but you will always get what you need and as long as you are walking in His path everything will work for His glory. Stress and anxiety are a part of life, however, we can choose to give it to God and let him work His will in our lives. Always remember God works His greatest miracles through His weakest people at their worst moments, "And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB

Creating a Sanctuary

Having a place in your home to relax and unwind is really a key factor in a calm household and a can be a major contributing factor in fostering a loving marriage. Some people may not be as bothered by messes and disorganization as others but regardless I think we can all agree that when everything is clean and you can see the floor there is just an unbelievable calm and satisfaction that rushes over you. You feel accomplished, you feel relaxed. Whether you have a big house or a small house even if it is nothing more than one little corner of a room with a chair that little corner makes you happy. Whether it is an entire room or just a part of a room find a space that you can call yours. A little area that you can step away from the world and the craziness of life and just be still. I love to read and I also love warm lighting (my husband is an led bright light kind of guy). Because of this my ideal relax and be still space would have a calming warm light, a comfy chair, a desk for my projects and a radio for music. I like spacious non-claustrophobic areas but I like that cozy comfy feel. To create this I would use the espresso brown hardwood floors and a warm neutral paint color. To keep it feeling spacious I would add sheer white curtains. Add some light colored frames for pictures a little flower vase, some floating expresso shelving and a cozy fluffy blanket and you have the perfect place to go relax and get away from it all. Not everyone has a separate bedroom that enables you to create your own personal space. If this is the case (like it is currently for us) take advantage of your master bedroom and section of one little corner for yourself. The master bedroom itself is already supposed to be a sanctuary space so if you want to use the whole room as your safe haven that is fine too. However, I still suggest that you have at least a tiny little corner to call your own in your master bedroom. I have a corner desk in our room that I am slowly creating as my "happy place." It's that area in the room that my husband's stuff doesn't go on and I have my warm lighting desk lamp. Since I am still in school and our room isn't big enough for a chair a desk seemed like a good place to have as my "this is my clean area that hypothetically doesn't have electronics on it." (My husband is a computer and car geek). Finding that quite place that you can relax at is really important because it gives you the ability to go there and just relax and take a minute to gather your thoughts. We as wives our minds work a mile a minute and it is difficult for us to slow down and recoup ourselves. I encourage you to create a little safe haven for yourself even if it is just a little corner of the room so that you can take time to rest your mind so you can better help those in your home.  

Not a Normal Guy

I am sure that most of you ladies have been taught since you were young that, "A guy is only after one thing." Then when you got older every guy and his grandpa proved that saying true. Then when you were looking into getting married a realization came that not all guys are only after one thing. However, even though he married you for so many other reasons that "thing" is something he still enjoys. I am sure your mother told you that, "Sometimes you are just gonna have to do it whether you want to or not...it's a way to show him you love him enough to do that even when you don't want to." This is more or less what I learned growing up. I was therefore prepared to "make the sacrifice" when I got married, anticipating his s*x drive would be vastly greater than mine. Well, let me tell you I couldn't have been more wrong. At first I thought it was me. Maybe I just wasn't attractive in that way to him. I mean he married me but clearly something is wrong. After a while I was like okay maybe it's him. Maybe he just isn't a "normal" guy and he just isn't as into it as other guys are. You see I'd grown up, and we've grown up in such a world where it is considered "not normal" when a guy or girl doesn't want to have s*x ever minute with ever human they meet. We've been taught that "guys only want one thing" so when we run into the rare gems that look at you for so much more than that we consider them "broken." For the first year and a half of our marriage it bothered me that he wasn't "normal." I didn't know how to handle that. No one ever told me that real men don't care about that 24/7. I lived a fairly sheltered life so it wasn't until I got married, got a job, and really started venturing into the world that I started to notice something. All the "normal" guys and the girls with these "normal" guys are miserable. divorced, remarried, three kids from this girl, two from that one. Visiting on weekends. Books and blogs on how to keep your man, how to tell if he is cheating, when you don't know if he still loves you. I hear about all these women whose love life sucks because they think that they can't find someone better or that, "well all guys are like that." Even the ones who are happily married still worry about their husbands eyes wandering because, "that's just what guys do." And we are supposed to be okay with that. We are supposed to be okay with having to keep our husbands, boyfriends, fiancé's attention off other women. If being married to me special of gem of a man has taught me anything is that there ARE men out there who you don't have to worry about wandering attentions. You see love and lust and desperation are three very different things. We all want to be loved and when we can't find someone we get desperate and are willing to accept lust over love. Don't get me wrong I understand that there are plenty of happily married loving relationships out there. I also understand that we as humans are flawed and are prone to making mistakes. I am not trying to say that if your guy struggles with lust he doesn't love you or that your man can't have made mistakes before meeting you. All I am trying to say is that we as women need to stop accepting "boys will be boys" as an okay for continuing in relationships that are harmful. A mentor of my husbands talked with him on this subject recently. He was curious if my husband had ever had relations with another woman besides me (no he hasn't). He then took the opportunity to point out how that special intimacy between a married couple is about the cross and Jesus' sacrifice. Seriously I didn't get it either till he explained it to me but we can get into that in another post. Point is when he was telling me about it I started to realize that I had been comparing my husband to what I know and have heard about other guys thinking that they were normal. It finally hit me then that my husband was actually the normal one and the others were flawed representations of what society has manufactured. I will be honest I have grown so accustom to the unconditional, unquestioning, love I receive from my husband I get honestly perplexed when my girlfriends or random people a meet tell me about their relationships. Not saying we are perfect. We fight, no couple doesn't or couldn't. Misunderstanding happen. There is one thing I know though, he doesn't know how to love someone else like he loves me. It is so far away from the farthest part of his mind that he looks at me confused when I mention something that every other "normal" guy in the room noticed. No matter your relationship statues currently, try to keep in mind that when someone really truly loves you, you don't have to keep or get their attention. Their attention never leaves you. You shouldn't have to worry about the woman walking by in practically nothing because you should know that he isn't noticing them because it shouldn't even cross his mind to look at someone else. If you have a husband, boyfriend, whatever like mine KEEP HIM they are rare gems that are like unforged diamonds. We need to stop allowing our guys to think it is "normal" to look at other women and we need to not teach our sons that it is okay to "be like the other guys." Allowance is acceptance of a behavior. Stop allowing disrespect. We shouldn't have to say, "well this one is better than that one so I'll marry him." Marriage is a sacred covenant. One that should not be broken. Don't look for a "normal" guy. Look for the one that stands out from the rest. Mine is the rarest gem and nothing holds a marriage together quite like not having to worry about what he is thinking or who he is looking at. I understand that this is a lot off the beaten track of what I usually post about. But I felt like even though this is a blog geared more towards wives there may be some unmarried women reading too. Also I really wanted to make a point to point out that "normal" guys aren't that great. I am terribly guilty of wandering why mine wasn't "normal" only to discover over time that I have been so wrong in thinking that "normal" was wanting all the things that most guys want. Never look down on a man that is different from the rest. He isn't a sissy, he isn't weird. He is respectful and willing to wait for the girl that sees him as the unforged diamond that he is.

When We can't Fix It

What do you do when you can’t do anything? My husband and I are facing a VERY difficult point in our lives right now. Unfortunately, I can’t help him. It is something he has to deal with and work out and although I can be there for him, encourage him, and love him through it all. I can’t fix it. If you are anything like me “fixing” is your middle name. You see a problem you want to fix especially when it is a loved one. Especially when it is your husband. My heart breaks every time I see him struggling to cope, struggling to find answers and purpose in everything, struggling to not feel like a failure as a husband and a man. And although I repeatedly tell him he is not a failure, he is wonderful and smart and my dream come true, he just can’t see it. When you really love someone you already have a tendency to always feel like you could never be enough for them. Add with the rest of the world telling him that he is a failure and he screwed up his whole life because he made a mistake. Add parents that look at him differently because of it, add people that think they are better than him and put him down. Add him being temporally unable to be the primary provider and that falling on his wife and you have a very depressed man who is doing everything he can to be happy but can’t get out of this endless pit of feeling like a failure. It breaks my heart that I can’t relieve this burden from him. So what do we as wives do when we can’t fix it. When we look at our husbands and see the pain and struggle but can’t do anything about it? Every couple is different so not all of these may work and no none of these are some magic spell that we can use as wives to “fix” whatever the situations if overnight, but at the very least it might help him a little.

 

1: Pray- Pray for your husband every single day. Pray for healing, knowledge, help, and forgiveness. For tranquility and patience, and if you don’t know what he needs pray that God would look into his heart and help him in whatever way he needs.

 

2: Do his favorite thing- My husband loves all things cars (corvettes to be specific) and gadgets and gears. The easiest way for me to spend time with him is to go outside and sit in the shade while he works on the cars or boat or whatever project he is working on at the time. Unfortunately for me I have minor medical condition that doesn't allow me to be in the heat for long periods of time so I don't often get to do this. However, I have worked around it by being out there for brief periods of time going inside to cool down and then either coming back outside or making him a really yummy snack.


3. Couple's Bible Study- Pick a book in the Bible and go through it together. Do a whole chapter or even just a few verses a day. Just getting in the Word with him and talking about it is always a good way to connect and to help him stay positive about circumstances.


4. TV/Book time- Okay some of you may hate me for saying this because a lot of people are trying to vear away from electronics and tv when spending time with each other and that is a perfectly fine thing to do. However, my family has always been big movie watchers. It always brought the family together when we all gather in the living room and watched old tv shows and movies. I happened to marry someone whose primary love language is quality time and this falls perfectly in line with snuggling up with a snack and watching our favorite shows together. If you aren't big tv watchers though you can trade out this idea for book time. I love reading and I love reading a book with my husband we both get so excited about what will happen next and it takes us into a different world away from all the stress of daily life.


5. Go on an adventure- we are BIG road trippers. We love late night drives, and sitting out by the lake soaking in all the beauty God created. Whenever I can tell that my husband is really struggling I often suggest we go somewhere. Whether it is a weekend trip or a few hour drive somewhere and back it gets him in a new environment and for him driving is his therapy so it just works.


6. Let him be- this one is the hardest for me because I WANT him right up next to me when I am upset. For him though...he needs space sometimes. He needs time to think and process. I have learned that letting him be doesn't necessarily mean completely leaving him alone. A lot of times it means sitting on the couch (non cuddly version) next to him. letting him do his thing, or just doing my own thing while waiting for him to be ready for attention. Leaving them alone is hard for us wives because how can we "make it better" if we aren't psychoanalyzing him every to seconds. Trust me if you can learn his queue of when he needs to just be left alone, you will prevent a lot of silly little fights over nothing. If we need our "me time" so do they.

Undying Trust

Nothing will ever cause me to lose trust in my husband. I know what you’re thinking…we haven’t been married long enough, the honeymoon period is still in effect so just you wait. Honestly, we are far removed from the honeymoon period. We have dealt with in-laws (both of our sides), death of loved ones, loss of family, loss of everything we know and trusted. Our lives have changed so drastically over such a short period of time it has been unreal. So I am of full confidence when I say the honeymoon period is over. How do I know this? Because that “stary eyed girl” isn’t there anymore. The he is so perfect and wonderful and would never do anything wrong…yeah that aint there either. I know it is over because the love struck teenager was replaced by a different kind of love. He will always make my heart flutter and I will always be the 19 year old girl that fell in love at first sight. However, that isn’t what I hold onto. I now have a deeper rooted love, deeper respect, and deeper determination to stay with him. The time we’ve had together has tested and tried our love and trust to the core. When most women might have left I made the decision to stay. When everyone else lost faith and trust in him, I believed him against all odds. Not because I was a love struck girl but because I knew that I had a choice. If I didn’t believe him and trust him, even against all odds, then I never would be able to and I would lose it forever. Coupled with the forgiveness and trust that I offered to him I also offered him a choice. I choice to prove to me and everyone else that doubted him that I made the right decision. I won’t lie I had a lot going against me. When everyone is telling you that he is a liar, that he is a terrible person, that he can’t be trusted, and even offer the choice for you to leave (something I’d never even considered till confronted with it). When you have all that coming at you and he isn’t there to offer a defense it is a VERY difficult decision to trust. So here is the thing, although sometimes trust is broken it is very important to always give our spouses the benefit of the doubt. Until you’ve had a chance to get out of the turmoil of whatever might be going on and step away from the situation, it is always better to trust your spouse then to listen to others. I would have had a pretty wrecked marriage if I had let the voices of others cloud my trust for him. I wanted to believe him even though I wasn’t sure if I could. Loving someone is like court. Innocent until proven guilty. Because if you assume guilt first you are accepting that you in the depths of your heart do not fully trust him. Don’t get me wrong sometimes losing trust is VALID! Sometimes not trusting them is okay. I am not saying to blindly trust no matter what. All I am saying is that before you do something as drastic as losing trust in him give him the chance to prove you are making the right decision to trust him. If you lose trust because others are telling you to, when he finally proves that he was trustworthy you have just lost his trust. Whether people agree that the loss of trust would have been valid under the circumstances and though he may not disagree directly, when you stop trusting for any other reason than honest belief that he isn’t trustworthy you have crossed into a new territory where he will never be able to count on you to be there for him. As a married couple you are one unit and if you can’t trust him then you have just given up half of yourself. From that point on you will no longer be solely invested in what is best for your marriage as one but what is best for you as an individual “if” he goes off to untrustworthy land. Where there is no trust there is no relationship. Trust and love mean I want what is best for you regardless of all else and I will never do anything to jeopardize our future. Trust is acting as one…marriage is becoming one. Marriage without trust is nothing more than a struggle.    

Finding Calm Moments in a Busy Life

Life is busy! We all can agree on that. There are so many things to stay on top of especially when you’re a wife. Work (if you’re a working wife), school (if you’re a student), spending time with your spouse, cooking, cleaning, kids if you have them. It seems so impossible to find a free minute to just relax. If I didn’t slow myself down every now and then I could probably go a whole day and see my husband for maybe 30min. before bed. If you are a working wife then you know how hard it is to find the spare time to do fun, spontaneous things. You also know how much it sucks that your whole day is eaten up by an 8+ hour work day. This goes for you to busy moms! contrary to popular opinion mothers have 24/7 job that you can’t “leave at the office.” It is really important for us busy wives to make sure that we are not only seeking out individual time for ourselves to recharge, but also that we are making a point to find time to spend with our husbands. Spending time with our husbands can be as simple as just “touching base” with them even if only for five minutes. Obviously the more time you can spend the better, however, this little tips may help you rekindle the possible diming flame due to lack of effort on both of y’alls part.

 

15secs.

Seriously whether it is first thing in the morning, or when one or both of y’all are walking out the door to work. Spend 15 seconds at least kissing him goodbye. I am not saying make out with him…although that isn’t a problem…but just a simple sweet lingering kiss. I get it this seems stupid to some of you but seriously as much as I love the quick little “love ya” pecks if you spend 15 seconds genuinely invested in a kiss you will be AMAZED at the result. It will make both of your days better and make you excited to get home and see your love. I suggest a minimum of two 15 second kisses a day, morning and bedtime.

 

Take a walk

Got a dog? Use it! Doggie needs his walk and you need time with your spouse. Morning, night or both, agree to a consistent time and try to stick to it best you can every day. Even if it is only a 15minutes walk and you both say more or less nothing to each other and just walk, that connection time every day will be a huge marriage recharge. For those of you with kids…put them in the stroller and take ‘em with you, or if you have an older child ask her to watch them for 10min. and just walk down to the mail box and back. Point is you need to find time to spend with him without focusing on something else even if only for 10min.

 

Bible Study

As Godly couples we should be trying to not only have our own personal time with God, but also time to come together as a single unit and spend time in the Word. It could be a whole chapter or even just a few verses. The point is not how much you read but that you are spending time together in the Word of God.     

 

Date night

Once a month minimum. More as you can, however, I am well aware that date nights equal money and not all of us have a lot of it. Once a month though try to set aside a day to go on a date. It doesn’t have to be to a fancy restaurant (although it can be). My ideal date nights include going to McDonalds, getting a larger root beer, and then driving around a little with the top off of the car just embracing the quiet moments with him. Pick up a pizza, turn on Netflix and watch your favorite show! Point is it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive it just needs to be dedicated time together.

Sail away

Okay this is a total once a year thing and an as you can afford it suggestion. However, I highly suggest you go on a cruise once a year as possible. We went on a four day cruise to Cozumel for our honeymoon and it was the most relaxing, reconnecting experience ever (We didn't go on our honeymoon as soon as we were married). Under no circumstances are you to get the internet connection or cell data service thing though. The reason it was so relaxing was because we could do nothing else other than spend time with each other, explore the ship, eat, sleep, and RELAX!

How do we not sound controlling when we are seeking help from our spouse

     So I follow this blog club31women. Today in my inbox I got a email with her latest post “how to be anything but a controlling wife” http://club31women.com/controlling-wife/ Ironically the perfect post for this morning as I have a tendency to be just that however unintentional it is. In reading it though a few thoughts crossed my mind. While she really did an excellent job giving some tips on how to not be that controlling wife that is essentially where it stopped. Which is fine because that is exactly what she was posting about. However, if made me think and do a little self-evaluation. First it made me realize that I do have a tendency to be “aggressively helpful” on occasion, but then it got me thinking. How do we not sound controlling when we are seeking help from our spouse ?

     So here is a problem I have run into a few times over my marriage. It usually involves house work. Often times I will be working really hard to get the house and then keep the house clean. My husband is a car and electronic guy which means most everything that looks like trash to me is somehow an important part of whatever he is working on. My problem comes in when I want to have a clean house and I just can’t seem to get him on board with helping me. It can be frustrating because I can’t really clean up his stuff since everything is breakable and has to go in a certain place. In an effort to not be a nagging wife though I don’t want to just keep telling him every single day clean this, do that, etc. I’m his wife not his mother. I also don't want to come across as a controlling wife. It I really hard not to sound controlling when you are telling someone to do something. If you are in a similar situation where you really want your spouse’s help but you don’t want to be a controlling wife then here are a few suggestions as to what you can do that may help you get your husband on board with the plan.  

Make a plan:

Don’t freak! I know you’ve had a mental cleaning plan in your mind for weeks and you are just trying to find the time to do it. But actually make a plan. Writ it type it whatever but get it down where someone else can see what you are mentally thinking. Put it in a central location so that your husband can see what you are trying to accomplish and chances are he will start finding things to do to help.

Late night clean up

I am that person I get so much more done in the wee hours of the morning then I do at nearly any other point in the day. Take a Friday or Saturday night (or whatever day you don’t have to go to work the next morning) and have a late night cleaning party. Turn the lights on, music up and pick a room to start the focus of your cleaning party. You’ll get a lot done and have tons of fun doing it. It is also a really good way to have some quality time with your man because chances are the kids will be nowhere in sight when you start cleaning ;)

Ask don't tell

Ask him for his help don't just tell him what to do. Demanding his help does not end well.

Start without him

Often times if you start a project he will start to wonder what you are doing and end up coming to help

Communicate

Talk to him. Tell him what you are feeling and that you need his help. We often forget that our husbands aren’t mind readers. If we want help, ask for it. Otherwise they assume we are good and that we will “call them when we need them.” Communication is and always will be the key to anything in marriage.